The Crooked Path

…, instead I want to exist from my own force, like the sun which gives light and does not suck light. That belongs to the earth. I recall my solar nature and would like to rush to my rising. But ruins stand in my way.

The Red Book, Liber Secundus C. J.Jung.

The hardest part of living with a dissociative disorder is the thing itself. Dissociation. Checking out from the self when all I want to is to be aligned with myself. It is like having a crap-ass broadband connection to my me. I adapt because we dissociatives are master adapters. I am aware enough by now to know that when the line is poor it is so for a bloody good reason. Either essential maintenance is being undergone or else a major download is coming through.

Today it is happening to quite a degree even my motor skills are sketchy. I keep hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard more so than usual.  I’m not quite in my skin. I’m neither surprised nor saddened by the occurrence of it and am delighted that I was prompted to take a weeks holidays when things got on top of me at the workplace last week. I wasn’t aware of what I needed and as I am going through an extended phase of needing to be by myself most of the time I don’t have anyone around me who could have pointed it out earlier. Its a pretty functional mode I operate in.  Crude perhaps but functional.

I was very grateful for the heads up. A gentle nudge from a safe bystander was all I needed.

I’m making the most of it. Allowing myself to pour in and out of the hours and days as  much or as little as I will.

 

 

 

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